Sigh, back again into the broiling sea of nutters, timewasters, shag obssessives, pervs and imbeciles and, oh yeah, yet MORE nutters, joy!

Before we proceed, anyone with an SoH bypass should leave now.None of the following should be taken TOO seriously, unless you're one of the idiots mentioned, in which case please bugger orf without further ado. :)

Yes this a long profile, I know it's long, I wrote it, so no mailing me going 'OMG WHAT A LONG PROFILE!' Kindly get that bit into your heads before shooting off emails as any reference to length of said profile will result in email being deleted and the sender being blocked. *smiles sweetly*

Be polite, be thoughtful, creative, READ my profile, ask questions. Be humorous, be different and we might get on OK.

Attempting to be 'insulting' in an effort to gain my attention will merely result in my laughing over your evidently underendowed undercarriage.

Now since most of you seem to want a goodhearted girl, I can state here and now that I have no history of coronary disease. I'm also very dull and prefer dossing round a stone circle in the middle of the night to going within 100 yards of a nightclub.

Quirky is good but Fookwhits need not apply, although saying that is entirely academic as who actually thinks that they ARE a fookwhit?

Looking for someone intelligent, mentally mature and just a teensy bit amusing to join me on spooky type outings and all that malarky. I like the word 'malarky'.

I'll take 'geeky, nerdy' people over 'hot' people, not that I'm averse to hot geeks. I don't take up more than one seat on the bus, (one and a bit maybe) but I'm not easily snappable either, so if you like skinny shift along rapidly please and don't waste my time :)

You should be: Romantic, patient, think the world of me, slightly insane (not in a stuck in a strait jacket, I'm typing this from my padded cell with my nose type way) gentlemanly, well mannered , love storms, snow, sunrise/sets, walks in the rain, staying in bed listening to the rain, hot chocolate, be utterly addicted to me, appreciate me, be madly in love with me (eventually, owt else would be creepy) into the supernatural, history, castles, graveyards, a bit chivalrous (no mails about the size of your lance, please) preferably not allergic to cats (no innuendo laden feline related banter, thank you)
Old enough to shave and tall enough so you're not talking to my chest, or navel.
Know that 'women' is plural and 'woman' is singular (sorry but that drives me INSAAAAAAAANE). Able to be thoroughly silly and do daft things whether it be underwater poetry recital in the bath or trying to squeeze into small spaces because they're there or kidnapping a local swan I've got rather fond of and christened Eric or whateverrrrr...

I will be: Shy, grumpy, quiet, quite cute (ish, maybe, if you have extremely poor vision), tall, weird (apparently) wide-ish, ugly, odd looking and irritable. No timewasters please! (I've always wanted to say that.)
No-one who smells of mothballs, economy teabags or stale wee. Long grey beards freak me out (thats why I'm an atheist ya' know)

Constant wittering about how you go to the gym is just DULL, user names with 'sexy' or 'horny' are just yawnnnnnn inducing, There's more to life than your pecs or what's in your pants boys! (shock, horror, thudding sound as half the men on the site fall to the floor in a dead faint. Matron, the smelling salts!)
Text speak drives me bonkers and anyone using so much as a 'U' for 'you' will be ignored.
(No I DO NOT like Derek Achora, Acorah, However the hell you spell it still sounds like a pensioner coughing up phlegm.)

I'm not hung up on looks or sixpacks, everyones different, most people annoy me but not all. Is it my imagination or do the really ugly, baboon like, up their own a*** blokes always say they want a size 0 blonde supermodel for a girlfriend? (I dont mind if you look Simian as long as you ain't a prat, like I said I'm not shallow, with my looks I have no right to be!)

Frankly I'd prefer that you have no resemblance whatsoever to Brad Pitt, he looks like a strategically shaved monkey, not that I mind monkeys, just not overrated American ones.

Be chubby or skinny, hot or hideous, I don't really care. All I ask is that you have a brain and engage it occasionally.

I hate: Fish obviously, Big Brother, lumps in strawberry jam, Twilight (imaginary vomit smiley at Twilight, what an utter pile of drivel. Gah!) people obsessed with Peter and sodding Jordan and their revolting ilk, Tabloids, beetroot, Soap operas, BINGO! 'celebrities', womens magazines, spiders, slugs, daddy long legs and cabbage.

I like: Nail polish, spooky things, autumn, Someone who can hold a conversation, someone not just looking for a quick wank off via an IM, (am I allowed to say 'wank'? Too late now, oops!) Someone who can stimulate my mind (and no, that doesn't mean I want to be 'challenged' if I wanted a challenge I'd climb bloomin' Everest, or go a whole day with no make up. I'd go for Everest out of those 2 options BTW) and treat me as the reasonably decent person I am, I don't take nonsense and I don't give it, so unless you're serious do us both a favour and go find the illiterate, prehensile woman you're obviously better suited to. Ta.

I won't respond to weirdo emails such as 'do u like da cat' (I still have no idea what that one means, unless it's some bizarre roundabout way of asking if I'm bisexual, answer: No!) 'av u seen anyfin den' (yes, thanks.) 'yo babe wanna shag' (again, no!) or '4 our 1st date id tak ya 2 a club an c wot appens from der.' (no you bleedin' well won't)

I'm not telling you what I do until I get to know you, Why should I tell you anything when all you can be bothered to write is 'hi wot do u do then' or 'up 4 a laff', as opposed to? Sideways for a laugh? Horizontal? Slight camber to the right? Sod off will ya'!

I'm no better than anyone else, I'm just pickier than a lot of people. Ya' either dig me or ya' dont ya' hear! Pillocks ze exit eez zat vay>

Ve haff vays off making you sod orf...Nurze, ze scalpel...
Rant over_______.

(almost)

PS. Mailing me with any of the above examples of idiocy is not clever, amusing, or endearing.
It's boring and predictable.

Now I shall sign off having made myself sound a total bitch.

Bye bye! :D